It’s not just tiring; it’s a constant state of mental and emotional aerobics just to keep the peace. It feels like you're juggling flaming swords while balancing on a tightrope, all while pretending to everyone else that everything is fine. You show up to work, help the kids with homework, and reply to texts, all while managing an internal storm that no one else can see.
If this sounds familiar, please know you are not crazy. You're just really, deeply burnt out.
Here are 5 reasons why narcissistic relationships are so exhausting.
1. It's Like Living With an Adult-Sized Toddler
The emotional maturity of a narcissist is often at a toddler level. You find yourself constantly managing their unpredictable moods and tantrums. One moment they might be screaming, and the next they're pouting because you didn't use the right tone of voice. You end up parenting them, constantly walking on eggshells just to prevent them from blowing up.
2. The Constant Mental Fallout
Even when you're not in an active argument, your mind is still racing. You're replaying conversations, second-guessing your own gut feelings, and feeling anxious and foggy. This is the direct result of gaslighting, a tactic that hijacks your inner compass. Your brain is in a constant state of stress, trying to determine what's real and what's not.
3. You've Had to Suppress Your True Self
To survive, you become performative. You smile when you're breaking inside, stay quiet to avoid conflict, and say what they want to hear instead of what you truly feel. Over time, this causes you to lose touch with who you really are. As one of my clients once told me, "I don't even know what I like anymore. I've been catering to his needs for so long, I forgot that I actually even have needs of my own".
4. The Confusion of "Good Moments"
Here’s the twist: when they are actually kind or there’s a rare day of calm, it doesn’t feel good. It feels confusing. This is cognitive dissonance, where your brain can't reconcile two conflicting truths: the deep hurt you've experienced and the sudden hope you feel. Resisting these "good moments" becomes its own form of exhaustion because now you're fighting yourself.
5. The Pain of Giving In
Sometimes, just to survive, you give in. You agree with their twisted version of events and let the lie stand because it feels easier in the moment. But this only resets the cycle of gaslighting and invalidation, leaving you to beat yourself up for falling for it again. Whether you resist or give in, it's all exhausting.
How to Cope When You're Still In It
If you're still in the relationship, please know that staying does not mean you are weak. It can be due to trauma bonding, fear of change, or simply holding on to hope. Here are a few ways to cope in the meantime:
Choose Your Battles: Not every argument is worth your precious peace and energy.
Recognize the Cycle: Understand that you are stuck in a pattern, not just a "phase.". This helps you anticipate what's coming and lessens the burden of uncertainty.
Don't Personalize Their Chaos: Their dysregulation is not your fault.
Surround Yourself with Sanity: Intentionally carve out time to be with healthy, regulated people.
Give Yourself Grace: You have stayed because you are hopeful, and hope is a sign of strength, not a flaw.
You are not broken; you are just tired. But there is incredible strength in starting to see the patterns and power in knowing what's really going on. You deserve rest, peace, and to feel like yourself again.
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